Here's the most recent Tool Shed News, sent to our regular customers almost every week. You get a sampling of part of the inventory that's in stock, there are jokes (PG rated, sort of), weekly specials, and anything else I decide to throw in. If you want to subscribe (for free), please note two things: One, it's for New England residents only, and two, I don't sell your name, so you won't be getting any more spam than what you get already. Send me an email at fairwayturf@hotmail.com if you wish to subscribe and you live in New England.
In either case, everything is always first come, first served, we do not take "holds" via phone or email, and we don't ship or mail anything. Also, at least half the stuff that comes in gets sold long before it hits the newsletter, so don't use this as your only motivation to come into the store. The people who find the most of what they are looking for are the people who come in regularly. And check the date of the posting, as I'm not always as on top of it as I might be.
578 West Boylston Street
Worcester MA 01606
(508) 853-0590
On the web at www.used-tools.com
August 22, 2010
Hi, Gang—
Hours for the week are Tues-Fri 1-5, Thurs 1-7. CLOSED THIS SATURDAY SEPT. 4!
• Bargain table at $1.
• As always, gift certificates are available.
New arrivals for the week:
• Craftsman Rollaway and topbox
• Ryobi table saw
• Porter Cable paint remover
• Delta 4” belt, 6” disc sander
• Craftsman 10” bench top bandsaw
• Lincoln light duty welder –Brand new
• Milwaulkee Right angle drill-Like new
• Makita drill
• Makita router table w/ router
• Delta 12” planer
• Tile wet saws-small ones
• Toro vac/blow/suck-fall is coming
Youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtpfPRli6bE
Humor department:
Thanks AW
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it…"
The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?"
"What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any
panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
ThanksRA
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea , does that mean that one enjoys it?
Thanks RA
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
Thanks DF
The Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a
blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun
and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like
this?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home
with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to
pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to
pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
pull off my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me
kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy........
So here I am.".
Thanks DF
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Thanks for reading, see you soon!
Jim
Non-humor Department: Note to all subscribers: all items are being offered on a first come, first served basis, no item will be held on an email or phone call. If you have a question, please call the store during my normal business hours, as it sometimes takes several days to respond to emails. Also, these mailings can only describe a small number of the items I have in stock, and often things come and go much too quickly to get into the mailing. The way to get the things you want and need, therefore, is to stop by frequently, without waiting to be notified in advance, since the mailing can be helpful to you only to a point.
Directions to the store: from Interstate 290 in either direction, take exit 19, which will put you onto Interstate 190 in the direction of Fitchberg. Get off at Exit 1, the first exit(West Boylston Street/Rt. 12/Gold Star boulevard). Go past Greendale Mall(if you turn in, you won't be able to exit easily), go north approximately a mile, you'll pass Meineke Muffler on the right, the Halloween Outlet store on the right, and we're in the next block on the right, directly next to the Subway store. If you get to Quinsigamond College or McDonalds, you've gone too far.
Tool Shed News copyright 2010 by Jim Whitley
