On the web at www.used-tools.com 

March 8, 2010

Hi, Gang—
It feels like spring,  so on Friday, I will be putting out a wide array of yard tools and other implements of destruction.  I have rakes, shovels, a blower/sucker/mulcher, pruning tools, electric hedge trimmers, fertilizer spreaders, an electric string trimmer, brooms, bow saws….   Manual laborers not included.  As you know, below is what is new for Tuesday.  Store hours are Tues-Sat 1 pm to 5 pm and Thurs 1 -7 pm.

Before the new arrivals, a couple of housekeeping notes:

· The bargain table is at $1/item

· The following item has been reduced:

· The Snap-On box is reduced from $550 to $450,  $250 for bottom and $200 for the top.

· As always, gift certificates are available

· If you would like to see the ebay items I have for sale, you can search on my ebay screen name of : fairwayturf2 
 
The link for the YouTube video this week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLMxtB8PJ-Q

Here are the new items:

· Snap-on clutch alignment set
· Blue Point ¾” drive ratchet and sockets from 1 5/16 to 1 7/8
· Crown chisel and turning set
· 3/8” Snap on swivel head ratchet
· Blue Point pneumatic tools
· Ridgid wood lathe
· Carpet dryer
· Bostich roofing gun
· Bostich framing nailer
· Werner 8’ fiberglass ladder
· Snap-On metric flare wrench set
· Craftsman 6” belt and 9” disc sander
· Craftsman 6” Jointer
· Craftsman spindle shaper
· Delta/Milwaukee scroll saw
· Husqvarna Rancher 455-like new

Due to the high number of great submission the joke section is expanded so enjoy!

As always, we need jokes, thanks to those that have contributed, send to my email fairwayturf@hotmail.com.

Humor Department:

Thanks RA – How to tell your horses apart-

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which
was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one
horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail
caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like
the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck
 again.
 
The neighbour suggested she notch the ear off one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a
barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them
apart. The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for
 
height.
 
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the
white horse was 2 inches taller than the black

Thanks RA
 
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." 
- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."  
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."  
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). 
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'  
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) 
 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."  
- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."  
- Mark Twain 

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."  
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."  
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."  
- Stephen Bishop 

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."  
- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial."  
- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."  
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."  
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."  
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.."  
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"  
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."  
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."  
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."  
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."  
- Groucho Marx
'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.'  
- Jack E. Leonard
'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'  
- Robert Redford 

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.'  
- Thomas Brackett Reed 

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'  
- Billy Wilder
'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.'  
- Abraham Lincoln 

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about. '  
- Winston Churchill 

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: 
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

Thanks MR F
Male or Female?    You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. 
 
Here are some examples:   

 
 
 
 
FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
    
 
 
 
 
PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
     
 
 

  
TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.   
 
 

  
HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.    
 
 
SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
    

  
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.    

 
 
TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
    

  
 
EGG TIMERS: 
 Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.    

  
HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.   

 
 
 
THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
  

Thanks to MB for sending us out on a low note:
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

 Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
 bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and
 heads back to  the showers.

 He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

 Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
 he's a statue.

 The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

 The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled,
 he drops a bar of soap.

 "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

 To! test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure
 enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
 
 Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and
 three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
 yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"

Thanks for reading.

-Jim

Non-humor Department:  Note to all subscribers:  all items are being offered on a first come, first served basis, no item will be held on an email or phone call.  If you have a question, please call the store during my normal business hours, as it sometimes takes several days to respond to emails.  Also, these mailings can only describe a small number of the items I have in stock, and often things come and go much too quickly to get into the mailing. The way to get the things you want and need, therefore, is to stop by frequently, without waiting to be notified in advance, since the mailing can be helpful to you only to a point. 
 
   
Directions to the store:  from Interstate 290 in either direction, take exit 19, which will put you onto Interstate 190 in the direction of Fitchberg.  Get off at Exit 1, the first exit(West Boylston Street/Rt. 12/Gold Star boulevard).  Go past Greendale Mall(if you turn in, you won't be able to exit easily), go north approximately a mile, you'll pass Meineke Muffler on the right, the Halloween Outlet store on the right, and we're in the next block on the right, directly next to the Subway store.  If you get to Quinsigamond College or McDonalds, you've gone too far.
 
Tool Shed News copyright 2010 by Jim Whitley